75. Jun - Aug 2012: Craig, It's Not You. It's Me.

Dried roses: Longer lasting than my relationships

How did you meet? offline through Improv

Name: Craig

Height: 5'10"

Age: 34

Occupation: teacher

Good quotes from date(s):

"You're like the Bachelorette, and I'm competing to get a rose."

"Do you let certain people preview posts before they're published?"

Why is he still single? Looking for the right girl.

Did he pay for the date?  He paid for everything on the first date. The other dates we split or alternated who paid.

Did he contact you after the date? Yes. He's a phone call guy!

How many dates did you go on? 6 or 7

Would you recommend to a friend? Absolutely

Comments:

Craig knew from the beginning that I had a dating blog and if he asked me out he'd be written about. He asked me out anyway. We had several casual dates over the summer - bars, dinners, bowling, movies. Dating him was comfortable and easy because we had some of the same friends and already knew a little about each other.

One hot, humid 100 degree night Craig told me he "like" liked me and that he could he see having a relationship with me. It was everything I wanted to hear from a kind, funny, genuine guy, who is a good communicator and who brought me flowers (Two of them preserved in the pic above). 

I freaked out. I was confused about him, about what I was looking for, about everything. I needed space and time to think and I told him so. He listened with an open mind and without judgement.

The problem was not him. It was me, except it wasn't a problem it was a fact. I did not have the same feelings for him that he had for me, but I really wanted to. I had an inkling that we didn't have a physical connection after our first kiss, but I didn't fully understand this until later. Turns out wanting something badly enough doesn't make it true.

I blame myself. I kept seeing him in hopes that chemistry would miraculously appear. I know what you're thinking. I'm thinking it too: After 75 dates I should know better.

Dating is an experiment with no scientific equations and measurements (even though online dating sites say otherwise) that guarantee the same result every time. There are many variables of which we have no control. This a hard concept to accept for logical, analytical people like me.

The only dating truth I know is this: I cannot create chemistry, it is there or it is not. The only thing I do have control over is to recognize this sooner rather than later. A lesson that I re-learn each time I go on a date.

5th Date with Brian: The Annoying Parts

Yesterday, as I wrote this, I should have been in a car driving upstate to a sculpture exhibit with Brian. Technically it would have been our 6th date. But I wasn't.

I say "technically" the 6th date because our 5th "date" was less a date and more of a "hang out" because well...here's what happened:

Date planning via text (he hasn't called me once) he says, "I'm taking to you a sake bar in the village. Get your drinking dress on." Perfect, I thought. I've had a long week at work, I enjoy a fancy sake and that bar is a perfect, romantic date spot. Wait - did I say "romantic"? Silly, silly me.

We meet outside the bar and Brian is drunk. He's been drinking all afternoon he says (keep in mind it's a Thursday). Also, Brian is not alone. He brought a friend, George. Surprise! 

Is it ok, he asks, if George comes along (on our romantic sake date)?  I'm annoyed and I'm being put on the spot. What could I say? "Oh, sure!" 

As the liquor flows on our threesome "date" Brian gets more sloshed. He is drunk-loud-talking in the tiny, quiet bar. He is touching my leg and holding my hand, and trying to kiss me on lips in public in front of George like we're an old-time couple.

At some point the conversation turns to dating, couples and babies.

Them: "All our friends are married with babies."

Me: "Well that's par for the course when you reach a certain age...how old are you both?"  

George: "I'm 42." 

Brian: "39." He quickly changes the subject to sake. 

Wait a minute...

Me to Brian: "Then why does your OkCupid profile say you're 37?"

Surprise!

Him: "Because I like to date younger women. Because I want to have kids and 39 year old women can't have kids. Because my friend's wife told me to lie. Because younger women always have 38 as their cut off age. It's not a big deal."

Me: speechless, with these thoughts running through my head...

"39 yr old healthy women CAN have babies!

What kind of girly-man lies about his age to be younger?

Who cares about 2 years!?

My cut off age online is 40 but it really depends on the person.

Wow, this is yet another man who has lied to me about his age.

How can this man support kids when he doesn't even have a stable job or health insurance?

What the hell am I doing here?

What the hell is George is doing here?

Instead I say: "Waitress, more sake please!"


***********************

It wasn't one thing that turned me off about Brian that night it was everything -- the showing up drunk part, the bringing a friend part, the groping part, the lying about his age part, the yelling part, the complaining about how much debt he's in as he throws down his credit card part. 


Weekends are precious to me and I knew I didn't want to spend a full day with Brian. Or any partial days either.  That's the thing about dating (online or otherwise). The more you spend time with a person the more you should learn things about them that you like, NOT things that annoy the shit out of you.

I stayed true to my "going with my gut" modus operandi that is helping me think less, feel more and keep moving forward.  I texted Brian that I was going to have pass on the trip upstate. I needed some "alone time."

And when I said alone time I really meant spend the entire day with Gabe time. That's right.

    4. February 2010: Mike

    How did you meet? online

    Name: Mike
     
    Height: 5'8"

    Age: 31

    Occupation: film/web producer

    Good quotes from date: see 'comments' below

    Did you make out? yes

    Why is he still single? CONFUSED with a capital 'C'

    Did he pay for the date? yes, dinners, drinks, etc.

    Did he contact you after the date? yes, we had a 2nd date planned at the end of the first.

    How many dates did you go on? 5!

    Would you recommend to a friend? no, see 'why still single section'

    Comments:

    Instant chemistry, we laughed, we talked, we drank, we planned activities, we were comfortable with each other right away. After 2 weeks this apparently became unbearable for him, so he asked me to be 'just friends'. I said no.

    Fast forward one month after...an email: "What am i up to? Could we meet again? Maybe he never gave it a chance? You're everything I'm looking for in a girl"...I thought about it.

    I said OK. I never heard from him again.