Why Tinder is HOT and OkCupid is Really NOT

OMG. Tinder What are you? Where have you been? Why are you so spectacular?

Let me count the ways: 

  1. You show me men nearby on my phone
  2. Swipe to left if I don't like him
  3. Swipe to the right if I do 
  4. You tell me if we matched immediately
  5. I could write him now or later
  6. You tell me if we have Facebook friends or likes in common
  7. You tell me his real first name and age
  8. You won't tell me his height so I can't be prejudiced
  9. You let me judge based on just photos allowing me to be completely honest with myself since I do that on OkCupid anyway
  10. You are in touch with reality
  11. You are instantly gratifying
  12. You might just be about sex...
  13. But I don't care
  14. You've connected me to a really interesting man with an accent and we've been on 3 dates...*
  15. OkCupid has NEVER done that

*Stay tuned for posts on my dates with the mysterious man from Latin America. No sex to report.

82. March 2013: How to Turn a Good Date into a Bad One

How did you meet? Online

Name: James

Height: 6'2"

Age: 37

Occupation:  producer/screenplay writer/ probable misogynist 

Good quotes from date(s):

Him: Ugh, I can't believe you like those TV shows. They are so contrived."

Me: Isn't everything on TV contrived? What shows are you into?

Him: Breaking Bad and Mad Men are great. 

Me (in my head): You couldn't be more hipster-cliche. I feel like I'm in an episode of Portlandia. 

Why is he still single? Comments will explain

Did he pay for the date?  We split it

Did he contact you after the date? No, he learned

How many dates did you go on? 1

Would you recommend to a friend? No way

Comments:

 In all my 81 dates I've NEVER had one that went from interesting to horrible so quickly like this one. It was going well until he said the following:

1. The hot girls he's dated from OkC

2. The hot girls he's slept with from OkC

3. The anorexic and chubby girls to he's met from OkC

4. Anorexic doesn't do it for him because he likes an ass he can grab

I could go on but you get the idea. He's really an open-minded guy - he tried to explain - because even though the women were super-hot (like in the 2% category of hot - a direct quote) they were boring. And he needs more substance. 

Maybe that's where I come in?

Towards the end of my second drink he went off on this diatribe about women's weight and how that relates to their ass size and I shut down. I have no desire to argue with someone so "open-minded". When he finally stopped talking, he stared at me and I felt uncomfortable. He asked what I was thinking and I said "Nothing". 

He decided to project his insecurities on me and tell me what I was actually thinking about him. I told him he was being aggressive and I didn't like it. I got up to leave and he followed. On the walk down the street he seemed to be remorseful about his douchy behavior, because he tried to make banal conversation about the weather and the neighborhood. 

I nodded my head and let him apologetically hug me before we parted ways. He knew he sabotaged the date and I only hoped that on his way he home he tried to figure out why. I assumed it was not the first time he turned a good date into a complete disaster. 

On my way home I felt sadness and disappointment, feelings I don't usually have about dating. But I felt tired and wanted to cry a little, not just for myself but for all of us. For all of us who get dressed up and put on makeup and have hope every time. 

Because we can bullshit each other and say we have no expectations about these dates, but one thing I always have is hope. Hope that this is my last stupid online date...for forever or even just for the next 6 months. I took my sadness and plunged it into eating some delicious chicken fingers afterwards, because my expectations of chicken fingers are always, always fulfilled. 

UPDATE: A few months later, here's what happened when I saw him again...

OkCupid Event Review

Did you know that OkCupid now hosts events in certain cities? It's true. I went to one last week with a friend - Trivia Night at a bar. Here is how that went:

  • The women there outnumbered the men.
  • The women there were significantly hotter than the men.
  • The two men on our team were two of the most socially awkward people on earth.
  • My friend and I left after 2 rounds (there were 5) because we started to feel awkward ourselves.
  • We went to a different bar and met a group of dudes who were drunk and friendly.

The guys worked together on a reality TV show. One of them was 27, from LA, only in town the show, and oh-my-god adorable. Like so-cal surfer longish hair, laid-back adorable. We don't get that much here in NYC. We chatted all night. He asked me to come home with him. 

Instead, I suggested he walk me outside to make out on the street. And so we did - New York style...up against a newspaper kiosk next to a pile of garbage. "Welcome to NY", I said as I hopped in cab home. 

I guess, indirectly, the OkCupid event was a success. The event got me out of my house and to a bar that led me to another bar where I met a cute boy. So there's that.