Guest Post: Try Not to Creep Me Out, Okay?


I finally tried online dating this month for the first time since Lavalife in 2003 (remember that?! Eek!)

I tried it because the writer of this blog is one of my best friends and I trust her.
I tried it because the on-and-off sad excuse for a relationship with a guy I've been in love with for almost three years imploded, again, a third time. I tried it because I spent my summer in France and came back a happier, more open (if chubbier) person.

So I thought, let's roll.

My little sister and I pulled the trigger at our local bar in Harlem one night, and quickly I had two matches that couldn't be more different: one was 41, professional, ginger, generally smokin'. The other was my age (younger than 41, thank you), tattooed all over, an avid reader, a bartender in Jersey (evidence of how open I'm feeling).

Within an hour the redhead was basically having phone sex and tattoo boy was convinced we were meant to be together.

Now, I am a pretty daring person in matters of the heart, usually able to fall in love or in lust for years or just a night at the drop of a hat. I love love.

But connections between two people are complex, and some dude(s) convincing themselves at 2am on a Saturday that we have some cosmic connection over text is just weird.

Then tattoo boy wanted to talk on the phone. I did it. It felt like middle school, kind of nice. Until he said "I love your voice and your pictures. I could fall really hard for a girl like you." EEK. In my nicest teacher-voice I told him he sounded really nice too, but I generally wait to meet people face to face to make a bet on our future together. He was crestfallen.

So am I more open to having dinner with new men but less likely to throw my heart (and body) out to them?

Then they both got mad at me. I was going out of town for a long weekend that coming week, and told them both I could meet up the following week. Redhead seemed to doubt my story and continued to text and ask about potential (weekend) date times. Tattoo boy set a date for the following Monday.

Monday rolled around and I didn't hear from tattoo boy. I was sort of relieved. He was so intense. On Wednesday I got a cranky text from the redhead, "attempting to acknowledge our previous connection." I thought, previous connection? We talked about boy shorts versus bikinis!! I didn't write back.

On Friday, tattoo boy sent me this text: "we never got together, btw." I didn't respond. Someone I actually want to spend time with would have apologized for missing the day, asked how I was, and asked nicely for a reschedule.

I feel no guilt about dropping these two without explanation.

Who gets pissy over Tinder??

In the meantime I've gone on two other dates, one with Greek Boy, who I like and will see again, and one with Smoothie boy, a no-go. I've got another date planned this week with Pennsylvania Paul, who seems to love food as much as I do. The nicknames we give them are fun. And a few new matches have surfaced. But as soon as the topics of underwear type or wedding styles come up, I'll go pet my cat.

Stuff in Guys' Profiles that Makes Me Want to Puke

"I'm new to this whole online dating thing. Don't worry we'll lie about how we met.

Let's be real. The internet is like 20 years old and online dating is older than some teenagers alive today. None of it is weird anymore. 

"I hate summarizing myself. I never know what say."

If you are an adult person and over the age of 30 you should know yourself by now and should know exactly what to say. Please log out, get some confidence and then get back online. 

"I'm looking for..." 
  • Someone equally comfortable in an elegant restaurant and a divey bar with a good jukebox.
  • You can pull your own weight whether you're wearing heels, sneakers, flip flops, or your toes are going commando in the sand.
  • You enjoy wearing heels as much as you do sneakers or flip flops, one of the sexiest things is a woman in jeans and heels.
  • I'm looking for a woman who is the same person wether she is wearing slippers or high heels.
  • I'm looking for some one who is just as comfortable in jeans and gym shoes as she is in heels and a dress.
  • You are as comfortable in hiking boots as heels.
  • You consider your self a hard working girl classy but sexy, can be in jeans and a shirt or play dress up in heels
  • I'm looking for someone who is just as comfortable in heels, at a club, as she is in Nikes at the Getty.
  • You can feel comfortable and sexy in a pair of sweatpants as easily as in a pair of high heels. (But NOT sweatpants and high heels at the same time.)
  • One who is comfortable wearing heels and mini skirt or sweats and t-shirt.

Boys listen here: women don't feel the same in sneakers and sweats as they do in heels and dresses. THAT IS WHY WE WEAR HEELS AND DRESSES. To feel sexy inside and out. To accentuate our legs and butts and boobs. Because we're ladies. And any woman with feet is able to wear sneakers, heels, and slippers, she just might choose not to. 

Also, is there some world shortage of women who can't step inside both fancy places and dive bars? What happens - do they melt? I did not get the memo but obviously we should alert the UN and see if they have some peacekeeping troops available to remedy this crisis. 

If only I could handle all kinds of venues, then maybe I wouldn't be single! If only I had heels and sneakers and liked to wear both I wouldn't be single!

Excuse me, I have go to puke now.

Q&A: Do Girls Expect Guys to Do the Work Online?

Hamish asks:

You said "I decided to NEVER email any guys." Does this strategy work? Is it good? Do girls generally expect the guys to do the contacting on dating sites?

During my second go-around on OkCupid, it's true I don't email men**. Never in my two years on the site before did I get positive responses from men that I messaged first. 

My theory is that despite it being modern times and all, old fashioned courtship rules still apply. Men like to chase women. As a result, they do have to send out many more messages while the women get to pick and choose. It's nature played out virtually. Sorry, dudes, we get to choose. 

Truth be told, women get many more messages than men but mostly from creepy older men, hot younger men saying lewd things, or plain boring men who we don't find attractive or some bad combination of these. It isn't a picnic for us either.

All of my guy friends have said that they get about a 10% return rate on messages. That means men need to send out ten messages for every one response they receive. Considering OkCupid is free you have nothing to lose so email away with wild abandon.

Keep the messages short but always mention something in the woman's profile that you liked or have in common. Don't just say "Thought you were cute." We already understand that because you wouldn't be emailing us if you thought we were hideous.  

Don't cut and paste a generic first message. WE CAN TELL!  We won't feel special and we definitely will not reply. Be honest, be genuine and be prepared for a lot of unreturned messages.

But in the end you don't need a million responses, you just need one or two to set up some dates. So, Hamish, go forth and online date! And please keep us updated on how it's going.

**Before I wrote this I sent two messages to men as a test. Two weeks later - never heard back. See?