it's ok to hate pie

Let's just say i've gotten so many messages on that i could compile a novella entitled, "A Compilation of the Most Boring/Banal Initial Online Dating Messages in the World". Due out next fall.

Dear Sirs,
i know why you're single - you're boring, and you're not even trying! "Hi/Hey, how are you?" That's the best ya got?


So when i do get a cute/funny/clever message, i read it and may even read the dude's profile BEFORE i go right to the pictures. That is what i did when i got this message: 

it's ok to hate pie

Hey Pesto Queen-

This week I was thinking about robbing a bank, fleeing to the ocean, and faking my own death. Scuba tank's in the trunk. Are you in?


P.S. You should prob bring some sandwiches or something. 

He mentions some things from my profile: pie and pesto (not together though). I like this. This is good. This is clever. Dear Matt, This is original! 

While reading his profile i started to get a deja vu i know this guy? have we dated? have we met?
Well, i don't technically know him, and i'm glad we haven't dated, but we've definitely met. And it goes a little something like this... 

Last summer, one hot, late night, my drunk friend and i went to a bar near my apt. She is drunker than me. We chat up these 2 dudes, one of whom is totally into my friend, the other a comedian, funny, personable (Matt). We pair off, and as i watch the other dude touch my friend's waist and tell her how pretty she is, Matt leans into me and says, "My friend has a live in girlfriend, ya know." WHA? 

No, i don't know, my friend doesn't know, does your friend even know? 'Cause he looks like a single dude right now. I pull my friend aside to update her on this development, and being drunk and fresh out of a break-up, big time chaos ensues: yelling, flailing of the arms that may have made contact with the dude's's time to get her into bed - ASAP.

I respond to Matt's funny/clever/original message with this anecdote and he does remember. And he says it was his fault, he should of kept his drunk mouth shut.


Listen, i'm no dude, but even I know the dude code of silence when out with 'just the dudes' and there are ladies around. Ratting out your best friend? Not cute/funny/clever/original.

Dear Matt,
Looks like you'll be robbing that bank and absconding alone.