I Don't Give a Sheet

I'm quirky. But you already know that. In my online dating profile I mention that I don't understand top sheets on beds. I understand them, I just don't use them. They always get crumpled up at the end of my bed or fall off on the floor during the middle of the night. This habit started while living in China for a year. I went shopping for bedding and discovered that the Chinese only use fitted sheets and blankets. Can one billion people be wrong?

I can't tell you how many men comment on this one tiny point in my profile as a conversation starter. Here are few:

Guy 1: That's interesting that you don't get top sheets. They make perfect sense to me, it's the fitted sheets that are befuddling. Does anyone know how to fold them?   

  • He's got a good point. One time I tried to fold a fitted sheet the way Martha Stewart says and it still looked like a blob of cotton material. I'm not cut out for domestic duties.

Guy 2: FYI: the top-sheet on the bed was introduced by the linen lobby to double their profits (and to offset the excess cost of the elastic in the fitted-sheet).   

  • I actually googled just to see if it was true because I'm that nerdy. It's not. But it's funny.

Guy 3: Also, hate the top sheet - duvets are the way forward.

  • After checking out this guy's profile and photos I imagined us cuddling in a top-sheet-free bed ensconced in a 10,000 count duvet cover. We exchanged a few messages and then he deleted his profile. Fantasy shattered. 

Guy 4: I don't understand top sheets either. Just seems like more laundry to me. Besides, I sleep on my bed more than I sleep in it, if that makes any sense.  

  • I pictured this guy drunk every night stumbling into his dark room and passing out on his bed fully clothed with shoes on.

And finally...Guy 5.

Him: I think I know the answer to your question about the top sheet - you're supposed to use it between yourself and the blanket or comforter - since blankets are harder to wash or at least more delicate than sheets.

Me: Wow really? I had no idea that is what top sheets are for! Now I'm going to go out and buy 10 of them. Thanks.

Him: "Between the sheets" - it's the place to be.

  • In my world, "Between the sheet and duvet".