This is called a "monster cookie." When I asked the guy at the coffee shop what is in a monster cookie he said it's a mix of everything. It is lumpy and imperfect. I bought it immediately.
I needed something sweet on my walk home from seeing the movie Before Midnight
(the third installment of the movies Before Sunrise and Before Sunset). I saw it alone, the only way to truly take in a movie like that. The movie is about real love. Not the fairytale kind that I often joke about. It hurts. This kind of love really hurts, but that is the point.
I used to say to my ex-boyfriend "Sometimes I love you so much I want to punch you in the face." And I never punched anyone in the face, but I swear I could do it to him if the time was right. I really did love him that much. Because love is such a strong emotion it only makes sense that it sits so close to rage.
This movie, and the two movies before are about human connection, romance, love, and how of all that shit is so terribly random. In our 20s we are overly emotional towards life; we are raw and young and untainted. We assume we will have deep connections with many people most of the time. Over time, we learn this is not true.
In our 30s we think back and wonder how we could be so careless to let those connections fade away. We didn't take them seriously. We met person after person hoping to feel something similar to what we felt before. We try so hard. We break up. We watch those men move on and marry other women. Did they want to marry us? Did it matter? If they asked, we would have said no.
Part of me feels like I still haven't met the Jesse of these movies. Maybe I have in bits and pieces in more than one person. Part of me feels like I'm still waiting (hoping) to find the complete one. I hope sooner rather than later. It's not that I need someone to complete me, I want someone who understands me, and once he truly does, sticks around to find out what's next.
It would be interesting to get in a time machine to the future, and send my old-lady self back to visit me now. I hope she'd tell me what to do. She might say don't judge, don't over think, don't wait for the fairytale that will never come. She also might say don't settle for anything less than real, true love. Even though it's lumpy and imperfect.
Or maybe my older self would just punch me in the face.