Not That Complicated 5: Polyamory - I love you, and you, and you.

CJ and I learn about polyamory, open relationships, and swinging. They are not the same!  Although Suzie claims her polyamorous relationship with Blaine is "a lot more boring than you think", we couldn't disagree more. Like any relationship it requires open communication, trust in your partner and in yourself.  Still curious after listening? Read the books The Ethical Slut, and Opening Up.

 

Posted on August 29, 2014 and filed under podcast, Talk Show.

Birth, Death and a Book

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This weekend my thoughts swung between birth and death and what's in between. My family celebrated my Grandpa's 90th birthday and I finished the book The Goldfinch. 

The Goldfinch is the best book I've read in a very long time. I felt it after a few chapters, but it was Chapter 12 that punched me in the gut:

That life—whatever else it is—is short. That fate is cruel but maybe not random. That Nature (meaning Death) always wins but that doesn’t mean we have to bow and grovel to it. That maybe even if we're not always so glad to be here, it’s our task to immerse ourselves anyway: wade straight through it, right through the cesspool, while keeping eyes and hearts open. And in the midst of our dying, as we rise from the organic and sink back ignominiously into the organic, it is a glory and a privilege to love what Death doesn’t touch.

When saying goodbye to my Grandma (also 90 years old) she whispered to me:

"It's just not your time."

I assumed she was talking about love and not death. To her my 36 is young. Although I don't always feel that way I chose to believe her.

We cannot control how much time we have here. We can control how we spend it. Read this book now and don't stop. Love people and things around you as hard as you can and don't stop. 

 

Posted on August 25, 2014 .

Lessons from a Love Letter

Cleaning is therapeutic. Inside my ikea bookshelves I found dust, travel journals, old photos, way too many candles, and an old love letter. From the ex. THAT ex. The one who inspired my singleness and this blog five years ago. 

Most of our relationship was long distance (DC to NY), which had its challenges, and treasures - like handwritten letters. This one was dated December 28, 2008. 

The most wonderful thing about finding and reading this letter over a few times was how I felt. Which was nothing. Well, nothing for him, and love for myself. 

I am capable of dating someone for more than two months! Proof right here. 

Sometimes I wake up in the morning with that pit of dread in my stomach and don't want to get out of bed. Loneliness and anxiety holding me captive. This is a reminder that I can positively affect other people. And that I should get out of bed. 

My ex had deep-seated fear/anxiety/neuroses that I completely overlooked that completely blindsided me in the end. I have learned to see these red flags earlier. 

Am I electrifying? Wow. 

This letter is all about how him and how I made him feel. Which, I believe, is one part of love. But the another part that's missing here is what does he bring to me? How does he lift me up? By the end of our relationship he took and took while I gave and gave. 

Looking back on our time together I understand with compassion now that he was depressed. He needed me to bring goodness and light into his life. I lifted him up as long as I could but my arms got really tired.

No human can be happiness for anyone else. We have to believe in ourselves that we are strong enough - alone - to push through the fear and come out on the other side ok.

He never believed that, and I couldn't convince him. He was too afraid to tell me he was afraid. He was scared I'd get angry or leave him. So he left me first. Because that was the only thing he could control. The leaving. 

Five years later I have some clarity on the type of men I date, fall for, and love:  emotionally intense, full of highs and/or lows,  depressed, confused, angry, needy.

Five years later I am fundamentally the same person in this love letter. I'm proud that I've grown but am still me. What I am changing, finally, is the person who I choose to have a relationship with. Better late than never. 

I'm looking for someone who will be the goodness in my life, the same way I am for him. Someone who is strong enough to hold me up when I need it. Someone who will not rely on me for happiness. Someone who is already happy.

Posted on August 15, 2014 .