How to Delete Your OkCupid Profile

 Step 1: Realize you've been on OkCupid for 2.5 years, have met over 60 different men and are still very much single. Admit to yourself that this method is not working for you.

Step 2: Decide to hit "Delete" instead of "Disable", which only hides your profile.

Step 3: Get scared at the finality of this so give yourself a month to get used to the idea.Tell people about it so you have to follow through.

Step 4: Put a disclaimer on your profile that goes something like this: 

***I've been on this site longer than I care to admit. I figure I have about 3 dates left in me before I hit delete. If anyone would like to be a part of my final OkC days, message me. If not, look for me in the real world. Say hello. Can't hurt.***

Step 5: Notice that far more men respond to your profile with this disclaimer than when you wrote something normal like "looking for a real relationship". Some examples: 

  • Hi!! I am really liking your profile, you sound like my kind of lady! I am sorry that you’ve grown tired of OKC and didn’t get the chance to meet me sooner! 
    • This message is exactly why I've grown tired.
  • I am dying know, henceforth you must tell me, how long have you been on this site?!!! P.S. don't be a tease, tell me!
    • The use of 'henceforth' is not necessary. I teased him; I did not reply.
  • I hope you find what you are looking for, you are very pretty and seem quite interesting, surprised that you haven't found the right guy yet. I am probably a little to early in my separation for what you want now but hit me up if you would like to chat. 
    • No photos on his profile. Chat with an emotionally unavailable recently separated man in his 40's? My dreams have come true.
  • I'm sorry ur not having any luck on this site. Hopefully that will change when u meet. So make sure u save one of those three dates for me:)
    • My last three dates are reserved for people who have the time to type out the word "you". 
  • i'm looking for the thing that makes me not go on anymore OkC dates. will i find it out with you during your end-of-the-OKC days last-3-dates tour? i don't know. maybe we should find out... 
    • No thank you.
  • I'm just super fascinated by the gauntlet you threw down of "I got 3 more dates in me before I hit delete." I found myself thinking that I kinda wanted to be a part of that - even if only from a sociological perspective. 
    • We have a date scheduled. I majored in Sociology.
  • I am writing to apply for the intriguingly Last Supperish position of "one of last 3 dates," as advertised on your company's site. 
    • Funny! I like. We're trying schedule a date.

Step 6: Schedule your last three dates.

Step 7: Stick to your deadline. HIT DELETE. Tell people you did it.

Step 8: Meet men the "old fashioned" way - In person, through friends, at bars, at work, at the market squeezing a grapefruit. Don't look back.